Let’s Let Who I Am Out

Feature on Stephanie Lessa of the CMHA

Stephanie Seren M. Lessa is a peer supporter and Peer School Facilitator with the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA). Through a journey that had her move to Canada, rediscover who she was, and grow in ways unimaginable to her past self with the CMHA (with a large smile to boot), being there for people is not new for her as Lessa has had a life that was largely focused on others, which carries its own lessons for life.

“From an early age, I started to become a caregiver,” said Lessa in a Zoom call.

Lessa was born in Fontaleza, Brazil, in 1986, and is the middle child of three. Her father is a dentist, while her mother was a teacher; as a result, their living situation was comfortable, with Lessa describing it as, “Middle class living.”

However, after the birth of her brother, Lessa’s mother suffered postpartum depression, which is depression that occurs with one out of every 8-10 mothers after a baby’s birth. Lessa took on the role of caregiver, saying, “I started to be there for her and take care of my younger brother. I was maybe eight years old.”

There were many challenges with this, with Lessa saying, “I had to mature fairly fast,” and adding, “But at the same time, it really taught me a lot of things, many of which I still use to this day.”

Lessa learned to be more responsible and to take action for her family, when necessary, all at the age of eight. As a result, Lessa missed living out a childhood, and the responsibilities put pressure on her to be the best she could be for her family.

“That pressure of being a fixer was something that I wasn’t aware of, and I didn’t know how to cope with it. While most kids would, after class, come home to do their homework or they would hang out and have fun, I had to go home and be at home.”

A fixer, as Lessa describes it, is a person that rescues others, and a person you can turn to when you hit the panic button. “I’m going to turn to this person to do it for me,” adding, “That was a role I was too young to know how to navigate, not knowing if it was healthy or unhealthy.”

“It was interesting being in that spot [because] it taught me so many practical things; but on the other hand, it really made me neglect some of my own personal time and needs,” said Lessa.

Lessa continued to be the caretaker of her family throughout her teens, and at the age of 20, her parents got divorced, which led to her mother depending on her more than she already did.

They are both very close, and during that time, they relied on each other, with Lessa saying, “I overprotected her, and she will then overprotect me, and we kept this.”

“I call it the hermit crab,” said Lessa to laughs, “Because we were depending on each other.”

It was during this time that Lessa started to become dependent on her mother, and vice-versa, which ultimately became a form of codependency. Codependency is described in the Oxford dictionary as:

Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Codependency is not recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but the term can be used to describe close relationships without carrying any strict psychological meaning.

“[Codependency] wasn’t as healthy as I used to think back then, because I neglected myself a lot of the time,” said Lessa.

“In a way I liked it (codependency) because it kept me safe; but on the other hand, I wasn’t empowered to chase my goals, understand myself, know my values. All those kinds of things that you need to navigate the world.”

Stephanie Lessa poses for photos inside the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) Recovery College in downtown Calgary, Alta, on August 26, 2021. Lessa is a peer support worker and classroom facilitator with the CMHA. Peer support is a form of dialogue between two people with an emphasis on healing and working through any issues or problems they may have through listening and sharing lived experience. Lessa has been with the CMHA for 3 years, and she coaches peer school attendees (people that learn to be peer support workers), and is a mentor for other peers. (Photo by Alejandro Melgar/SAIT)

Prior to the divorce of her parents, Lessa struggled with her emotions and the constant fighting her parents instigated at home. She started to self-harm at 16 and continued until her early 20’s, which was when she attempted to take her life; however, when she realized the impact of that decision, she learned that she could do so much with her life, saying, “I realized that there had to be more to life. I couldn’t stay stuck where I was.”

At the time, there weren’t a lot of resources for mental distress, so she joined an online discussion board that dealt with mental health and self-harm, which helped her feel less alone.

Lessa met a friend, Erika, through one of these forums, and Erika encouraged her to move and study abroad. With an apprehension to the idea, Lessa responded, “Nope, I can’t.”

However, the two continued to talk, and overtime, Lessa decided to take the English as a Second Language test. After a year of planning and preparing for the test, she passed and had her pick of the litter.

“I was surprised, to be honest, so I could have picked any program in college that I wanted.”

Lessa wasn’t sure where to go, but Erika suggested she move to Canada to spend time together, which she agreed to. After receiving help from an agency in Brazil, Lessa was on her way to a new land.

“I initially wanted to go to Edmonton, to be close to my friend, but I’d have to upgrade my math for the program I wanted,” said Lessa amid laughter, “I can’t. I am terrible with numbers.”

She chose Bow Valley College in Calgary, Alta, and went into human resources, specifically in health and safety classes. Arriving in another country gave Lessa many panic attacks and doubts with living in a new country, and whether she would fit in or not.

“I think my greatest fear in life is forgetting my English, because it literally saved my life,” said Lessa, after which she expressed gratitude to her mom for pushing her to learn a second language when she was younger.

Calgary brought many new experiences and changes for the Brazilian-born Lessa, starting with the weather.

“My hometown was around 30-32 C, and Calgary, the day I landed, was -28 C and snowing,” said Lessa, laughing at the memory and acknowledging her lack of preparation for the harsh Canadian winters.

On top of adapting to the shifting weather of Calgary, Lessa sought out a counsellor, who connected her with a family doctor. Lessa said the doctor treated her as, “Humane.”

“She supported me – encouraged me to get help for my mental health, and that’s when I started real counselling.”

Lessa went to the Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse (CCASA), which is an organization that supports people that have faced sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. They provide counselling and have therapists and psychologists on site. It was through CCASA that Lessa received a diagnosis for complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD).

“It explained a lot of what was going on,” said Lessa. “The fear of people, not knowing how to interact, loss of identity, very bad dissociation – which I still have my days with. It’s a journey.”

With the help of her counsellor, Lessa learned that the negative events in her life don’t define her, saying, “I was learning about getting well, getting my life back, getting my identity back.”

Lessa also received help from the Centre for Sexuality, and it was there that she received a diagnosis for gender dysphoria; however, it was a different experience compared to the one she received from CCASA.

“Everything was very clinical. Everything I was asked was like, ‘Oh ok, and how are you coping with that? Do you need any [medication]?’ It was never about the human,” said Lessa.

After receiving the diagnosis for gender dysphoria, along with missing that supportive environment, Lessa went back to CCASA and continued to learn new methods of healing. “I started learning about emotional regulation, about window of tolerance, how to manage triggers and flashbacks, dissociation and why I was having it and what I could do to manage it.”

Lessa, a transgender woman, realized who she was as early as 10 years old, but her household wasn’t accepting of that idea.

“My dad was promptly abusive and dismissive, and my mom had a bunch of excuses, so nothing was really done,” said Lessa.

With the situation at home calling for her to help her mother and brother, she had difficulty expressing her needs and desires, and in setting boundaries and standing up for herself. At school, Lessa was bullied for being who she was, with similar treatment continuing throughout university, though she put more emphasis on shying away, saying, “It [was] best for me to just shut down and keep myself safe that way. It protects you, but it doesn’t allow you to try.”

While attending Bow Valley College, Lessa discovered the Organizational Behaviour Instruction course. Her professor, an inspiring individual for her, invited an advocate from the Intercultural Center to speak about diversity, social expectations, and social roles. Lessa resonated with her words and said, “Those two people really motivated me in a way to [say], ‘Ok, let’s let who I am out.’”

“I had spent 20 years over protecting that little girl, and I had a variety of feelings. I used to be scared of her. I used to be angry at her. I used to be confused by her. I saw her as my shadow self for a long time, until I decided to actually [say], ‘Hey, let’s talk,’” said Lessa.

Lessa confronted her depression as well when she saw her doctor and received medication to help her deal with it. She was faced with the stigma of taking medication for mental illness, along with the stigma of seeing a counsellor.

I had spent 20 years over protecting that little girl, and I had a variety of feelings. I used to be scared of her. I used to be angry at her. I used to be confused by her. I saw her as my shadow self for a long time, until I decided to actually say, ‘Hey, let’s talk,’ – Stephanie Lessa on her rediscovery.

“I grew up with my dad saying that counseling is b—–t, saying what I needed to do for myself would be to go out partying and drinking, getting involved with girls, which to me wasn’t okay,” said Lessa.

November of 2017 saw Lessa start her hormone therapy, with Lessa saying that it was “the bravest self care step I ever took in my life,” and “If, if I hadn’t done it, I wouldn’t be alive today.”

During that same year, Lessa attended the CMHA for classes at the Recovery College in downtown Calgary. The stigma of attending a facility for people that were in crisis or in need of help continued to plague her mind, saying, “I was terrified because of the shame, the guilt, the stigma of knowing what to expect [when] there is a mentally ill person going to a place for mentally ill people.”

However, Lessa’s first day at the CMHA was a surprise to her. “I walked into the Welcome Center the first time and I see all these people talking and laughing. All the bright furniture, the space, the community kitchen,” and adding through reflection, “This place is welcoming, [and] I would never expect a place like that,” said Lessa.

Stephanie Lessa poses for photos inside the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) Recovery College in Calgary, Alta, on August 26, 2021. Lessa is a peer support worker and classroom facilitator with the CMHA. Peer support is a form of dialogue between two people with an emphasis on healing and working through any issues they may have. Lessa has been with the CMHA for 3 years, and she coaches peer school attendees (people that learn to be peer support workers), and is a mentor for other peers. (Photo by Alejandro Melgar/SAIT)

After spending a year dropping into the Welcome Center and participating in Recovery College classes, Lessa wanted to learn more, so she started to take classes and certifications related to the field of mental health.

Lessa wanted to do something more with her knowledge. She wanted to help people learn what she learned. It was by providence that a peer worker suggested that she take part in the peer support program and learn how to do what he does.

“I didn’t know a lot about the CMHA, and I haven’t taken many Recovery College courses; [but] I remember when he said, ‘I believe you will be a great candidate, because to some of us here you are like family,’” said Lessa. That peer supporter gave her the confidence to apply for the peer program. After a few months, she was accepted and started her peer school journey, the journey to becoming a peer supporter.

After a few years that include work with 7Cups, attending the CMHA peer school, and peer supporting people through the CMHA, Lessa finds herself as a Peer School Facilitator and has come full circle in her journey towards growth, saying, “I feel very honored and humbled to have facilitated peer school.”

“It was through peer school that I really gained my confidence back, said Lessa, adding, “I decided to be myself and unlearn all that. That trauma and negative self-talk I had on my shoulder for so many years.”

Lessa benefited greatly from the learning process, and now utilizes many methods for her own growth and continued healing, saying, “The moment I started being my authentic self and started doing my homework for my recovery, it’s amazing how things slowly started to play in my life.” Lessa is now married to her wife, confident and in love with her vocation, one that is “more a passion than a job.”

After receiving a diagnosis for Autism, she said, “It has really been helpful for me to learn more about that and myself, and to be more aware of my limits, because even I have limits,” adding, “It’s okay to be a little different. It’s okay to have your bad days. It’s okay to be diverse, in whichever form of diversity that counts, which I think from recovery college, peer support, peer school, it’s a huge part of it.”

It's the diversity of experiences of identities of stories that make peer support such a humane and beautiful support system.” –Stephanie Lessa on peer support.

Lessa smiles and glows with the passion she spoke of regarding her career while she talks about peer support, saying, “You can use peer support for everything. In legal, in housing, in harm reduction, in mental health, for youth, for seniors, for immigration; there are so many ways.”

“One of my dreams would be having peer support with the first responders,” adding, “It really brings out our humanity. What you’re seeing from that person is just a picture; there’s a lot more about that person and we must take time to find out a person’s story without stigma, without labeling, and believing in them and empowering them to better themselves, to say ‘Hey, it’s not too late.’”

Feature picture: Stephanie Lessa poses for photos inside the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) Recovery College in Calgary, Alta, on August 26, 2021. Lessa is a peer support worker and classroom facilitator with the CMHA. Peer support is a form of dialogue between two people with an emphasis on healing and working through any issues they may have. Lessa has been with the CMHA for 3 years, and she coaches peer school attendees (people that learn to be peer support workers), and is a mentor for other peers. (Photo by Alejandro Melgar/SAIT)